This is the worst phase of depression i ever been through so far. I have no friend, my family is always the core reason of my depression and i cant even talk to anyone about my problems because either anyone will hurt or it is not safe anymore to just talk about your problem to socmed nowadays.

It feels like ive been stab and it is hurt. I cry every night and every moment. Because i feel like there is no one i can hold on to. No reasons to live anymore. I know i am suck. I regret everything i did and how i treated people. But i cant help it. Im so broken that i tend to treat people harshly to protect my fragile heart. It is the only protection. I feel like i am unwanted everywhere. At home, my parents dont even care about me. I know it is silly to cry over money. But the least they should do is to provide money if they cant give love. They dont even care what i eat at home just bcs they have some other important things to think other than me. I am not their priority. Never since i was a kid.

Just imagine i was once a kid who thirst of love, affection and attention had to find love outside and by myself that some bad things happened to me but i ignore it just bcs i want a little bit of love my parents cannot give. I am growing up to be a jerk who doesnt know how to show affections to others. And that is why people leave me constantly.

And now, the adult me is someone who always rebel, lonely, hotheaded, a jerk and they wonder why i turn out like this.

And with friends, i think i am outcast. I am invisible. People just find me when they need me but not the one whom they should be close with. What would you do if u were me?

If only suicide isnt haram....

change.

Dont you find it hard when you are trying to change yourself but people around are not supportive? I tried okay. I tried to appreciate people more, i tried to give reaction, i tried so hard to hold myself from talking something that might hurt others. I also tried to distance myself from others if i was in bad mood. But you cant expect people to change overnight. Sometimes i might spit out something i shouldnt say or do something i shouldnt do, or doesnt have common sense to even say thankyou to some actions. I tried to hold my anger, believe me i am hotheaded. But my anger always last for minutes or hours. It is just that when i stop talking to some people bcs i was angry or sulking, i just dont know how to start talking to them again. It feels awkward.

Sometimes i wish i just could turn back time, refresh my life everytime i screw up in friendship. It sucks being the toxic one, the friend that always being left out by others. But that is just me, i am the bad person. I wish i could live without needing any help from others so that i dont have to build any new friendship, and getting hurt all over again.

New book.

Hey. It has been a very long time since i last wrote my last post at my blog. This is my new blog. It feel awkward actually. Especially when i had to edit my background and header and i was like woah i totally forgot how. So i just took my background from my old blog(Which is hidden now). I wish there has emoji feature in blog so that i can show my expression rn.Why i suddenly decided to write again? I am currently in my 3months sem break. It isnt sem break actually bcs i just finished my foundation life and this holiday is the gap before degree. I cant wait to enter degree life and afraid at the same time bcs i know ill never get the amount of sleep i used to get. And also since that i dont have any friend. I mean friend that know deep inside of me,accept me and friend that i can tell wtv i want without feeling burdened. So i decided to tell everything in here. But probably not exactly everything.

I miss my old blog actually. What a glorious time i had having number of followers and knowing there have people read my posts. It was cooler than instagram and twitter back then. And it was also the reason why i had such a huge fights with my friends(huhuhu).

Okbye.